My Smoker

This was me two weeks ago.

I had to give my smoker full blast approval before she was ready to go.

I had to see her exalted aspect, with no shame.

That within her which had protected me, provided for me, and to me was desirous and sexy as hell.

There was an element of her edge that I LOVED.

The medicine woman who smokes.

Under the cover of night.

A few years ago I sat in an aya ceremony and the spirit of tobacco came to me.

He was like the Marlboro man. John Wayne. But ascended. Divine. A badass protector spirit, like the coolest grandfather.

He said, I’m here to handle shit for you. And I was like, where have you been?

And he was like I’ve always been here. The last 20 years you’ve been smoking, I’ve been here. But once you put me down in the physical, then I can really work with you in the energetic.

I asked Aya if she would take my desire to smoke away. And she said, no, because I want your desire not to to be enough.

So it took 4 years for that message to sink all the way into my cells and DNA.

I did a tobacco dieta in Peru where he became a part of my cellular matrix. And started smoking again at the same time.

It takes what it takes.

And now it was shown to me in Hawaii that for the work I am stepping into, the level of power I am being asked to hold, there is simply no room for this energy leak anymore.

It served its purpose. It gave me a future ‘treat’ to run to to avoid the grief pocket in my chest that I didn’t want to feel in the present.

I love her for that. My smoker.

I still love her. Like deep fucking reverence. I lay her down with honor.

I feel her now as my tobacco priestess.

This medicine is woven into my body, my being. It stays with me energetically.

His protection, his power, his light, his prayer.

Same with aya. I’ve worked with her enough that now her dark feminine medicine lives within me full time.

Constantly re-adjusting me to the true thing.

My gorgeous equally badass grandmother.

I no longer have to drink her. I am her.

These plants, aya and tobacco, work through me as part of my clearing and purifying truth and power medicine. Alchemized into their pure form.

The shamanic priestess fully alive within me.