Honoring My Hunger

I'm watching all the places I don't ask for what I really want and then am victimized by it.

The pattern goes like:

-I idealize an exchange (fantasy about how special and known I will feel, "save and love my inner parts that I can't please")

-the person doesn't meet me the way I want to be met

-I'm so so angry

-I ruin it by behaving like an asshole and shutting down

-I hate myself for ruining it

-I blame them because I don't want to take responsibility for my desire, needs, behavior, choices (and so it's better if I just avoid people to begin with so I come up with excuses to avoid intimacy)

So here's where it get's layered.

I've given FOOD the same importance as people.

-I expect it to rescue me from myself (entertain me, delight me, indulge me).

-It can't do that. Cus it's just food. So it disappoints me and lets me down.

-I am so so angry

-I lay in disgust at how much I hate myself

-I blame the food (and am simultaneously afraid of it and wish I could avoid it like I do people)

I've given food so much power.

Here is the thing in both role plays:

I've hated myself for being hungry. For having needs that need meeting. And I've been looking for something outside myself to meet those needs that can't live up to the expectation that i've put on them to make me feel loved where I can't.

What would it be like to be in clean ownership with my hunger, my need, my desire?

To ask cleanly for what I want?

But here's the even bigger thing:

I've hated my body for having needs. She has been 'too big'. Too much. Too hungry. So I have used control mechanisms to manage her into 'right size'. Those control mechanisms are no longer working for me, and I'm losing 'control'. And my body is getting bigger.

I've lain in complete horror at this after almost every meal lately. All-consuming shame, disgust, regret, panic, guilt (like fetal position level).

I realized last night that She is asking me to be comfortable now in this loss, as a source of true power.

Am I willing to let my body die in its current form so that I can have the one that's unfuckwithably mine?

-Journal Entry, December 2021