Oct 23

Oct 23 Money Hungry

I recently went through a process as I signed up for a high-level spiritual growth program. It confronted my relationship with money (another one of my deepest things).

My teacher gave me the price and first I villain-ized her for it. "Who does she thinks she is? Who signs up for this?" Immediately I saw my own yearning to be able to charge that much myself. Something inside me that wished for this level of ridiculous ease.

Even so, I firmly told myself "No Way" about signing up. It just seemed so irresponsible that obviously it was a 'no'. And then I felt victimized by my own 'no'. I cried tears of grief and disappointment for not being able to have what I really wanted.

In the meantime, my teacher checked in. It was beyond my ability in that moment to simply say: I don't know, I'm not clear yet.

So I gave her my whole whiny story. My inner conflict. I wanted her to rescue me. To tell me what to do. To tell me what this investment would buy me. To tell me how to work with the edge that was coming up. To give me a "surprise! you passed the test! It's not really that much, silly!"

Of course, she did none of these things (there is a reason she is my Teacher).

Inside of all that, I felt so uncomfortable with the games I was playing. Miserable in the purgatory. Wanting to put myself out of my misery by just saying 'yes'. Wanting to please her and buy her approval with my 'yes'.

I wanted to further persecute her for my being confused. For not being 'clear enough' about what the program entailed. I've realized confusion is a very victim-y energy. I was victimized by my confusion. I wanted assurances from her of what it would all look like beyond the two year mark. And I garnered it all with a sense of suspicion, self-righteousness, and doubt in her angle. Almost like a haughty: “I will not be deceived by your greed!”

But I had to look: do I trust her or not? If I do not, I do not sign up. If I do, I do. It's really that simple.

And more important, do I trust Her.

The 'Her' that is my deepest truth. Because beyond all this story what was true was that I was a 'Full Yes'. Simply because I desired it.

It made no rational sense. It promised no specific outcome. And it didn't matter.

I purely wanted it. And so, without any fanfare (especially not from my teacher), I said ok.

And she said ok.

And then the real work began:

The natural hot, sweaty resistance that comes after we lean fully into our expansion (it feels something like buyer’s remorse: ‘nevermind! cancel! delete! abort! abort!’, aka - “can I get a refund?”).

The day after the euphoria of signing up with my first payment, the terror of what I had signed up for financially set it. The panic. The gripping. The attachment.

Holy fuck, how am I going to do this? This is going to shut me down creatively in my business because of the pressure I just put on myself. And then I will lose everything and go homeless and hungry and penniless (the story).

I was wrestling with the edge of compression and collapse.

The energy of it felt like a guttedness in my belly. An unease. An instability. Like “I don't know where to put my feet on the ground for fear it won't be there when I step” (so, like actual 'imbalance').

A complete and total lack of trust in life to provide for me.

(which is why I've been in the light masculine mode of 'gotta-go-it-alone, make-shit-happen overachieving success-orientation' for the last 40 years wrestled with the 'maybe if I look consumable enough and perform for their pleasure they'll give me what I want' light feminine.)

Of course, I am weary.

My desire feels underfed. And like I don't know where my next proverbial meal is coming from (this is direct past-life stuff here).

Like I can't count on life Herself to protect me. The divine mother and divine father have orphaned me.

When I feel into the energy further I feel my 6-year-old self after my distracted parents divorced saying to herself in panic: but who's going to take care of me?! there's nobody to take care of me.

So, it's really not about money at all.

And I'm thankful for what this is helping me see. This feeling of distrust that I've spent my whole life manipulating my way around trying to avoid, and which has therefore bee subconsciously driving my seeking behavior.

I'm being with it now. It is allowed. I'm breathing space into it. Feeling it fully.

I'm telling that little girl:

You are safe. I've got you. I will never leave you. I will protect you. I will take care of you. I'm here. You are safe.

So, the program is already working me, and it hasn't even really started yet. Except, it has.

And it is all perfect.

And exactly what I signed up for.