The Slow Opening

I went to see one of my high school best friends @katie.elinore who was in town at a bar last night.

I wore sweats. I was really uncomfortable there. Meaning, I had a lot of sensation in my body that was challenging to hold.

I started to internalize this as “there is something wrong with me”.

I’m not drinking or smoking these days and I realize how much I needed those things for my nervous system to handle the sensory overload of the din of a bar and the energy expense of small talk.

Knowing me from high school, or even five years ago, I was nothing like the quiet hermit I am now.

I was very ‘extroverted’. I loved intoxicating people with my smile and wit. But not for too long, lest I can’t keep up the charade and disappoint them and they reject me.

Flitting in and out, just long enough to keep them hooked. But not long enough for them to really know me.

No real connection. But it looked like I was so connected.

There is grief for the loss of that girl who knew how to dazzle. Who would have so many people show up at her funeral if she died.

These days, I’m actually not so sure. :)

And that is ok.

The fact is the true nature of my nervous system is highly sensitive. And my capacity is not nearly what I thought it was when I used various numbing mechanisms to prop me up to ‘succeed’.

I would force myself wide open for survival. A willing energetic violation and penetration of my own self.

The fact is, I need so much alone time. Time to ‘waste’. I need to go so slow. I need to open bit by bit. I need deep connection in small doses. And then I need time to integrate it.

And this is perfect.

The upside is that I am finding true connection in the subtle nuance of moments.

The way the light hits my dining room flowers. Or the way I feel the energy of the land I tend in my system. Or the way the talk with Katie when she walked me to my car from the bar was the best part of my night.

I can feel how much I’ve needed to enter the void of not knowing who I am to rediscover who I am from the ground up.

To emerge. Bit by bit.

I trust whatever is true for me to remain or regrow in this spot.

Like Katie did.