Sep 9

Sep 9 Why I Didn't Quit Drinking

I didn’t quit drinking.

I gave it up.

There’s a huge difference:

One is all about will power, control, effort, force, and strain; it’s a ‘disease’ mindset that keeps me feeling 'less than', deprived, and restricted
The other is about letting it go, having it taken from me - lifted and released; it has me feeling unf**ckwithable and shored up with power

If you’ve been following my Instagram, you know I’ve been posting a lot about the ‘Binge / Purge’ cycle.

Most of us think of “binge/purge” in the classic ‘eating disordered’ sense, but I am talking about it in an 'energetic programming' sort of sense.

And today I’m going to tell you how I freed myself from it.

For good.

(And - yes - I say that with full confidence.)

To check in to see if this blog post is for you, here are some classic examples of the binge/purge cycle:

You get drunk (or high or whatever), and then swear to ‘never drink that much again’
You overeat, and then eat less to try to make up for it
You buy a shit ton, and then return it
You have sex with a stranger, and then pledge your abstinence
You get angry, and then grovel with apology
You date an asshole, and then promise yourself ‘only nice guys’ from now on

These habits are all marked by the following cycle:

The initial control (perfectionism, people-pleasing, overachievement, keeping up, overwork, overthinking, overwhelm)
The compulsion (the craving) that talks you into doing The Thing to release the pressure valve of control
The obsession (the reaction) that punishes you after you do The Thing and makes you swear never to do The Thing again, which then becomes unbearable and causes you to obsess about The Thing
This brings on the craving again and we are lost back in the same cycle - over and over and over
‘The Thing’ always leaves you feeling worse than when you started (emptier, more uncomfortable, guilty, ashamed, etc) which leads back to the obsession with not doing it again
And so on
Forever
And ever
Amen

Do you see what a power-sucking dumpster fire All That is?

These are also known as 'energy leaks'.

And here’s how to seal them up for once and for all...

I know this works, because this is how I stopped this madness on my own binge/purge cycles, so that I am shored up and in my power.

Extraordinary.

And I want this for you too.

The Archetype

The first thing to know about this cycle is that it only pertains to a specific archetype.

If you define yourself as “Type-A, Perfectionist, Overachiever, Workaholic, a ‘get shit done’ kind of person, a people-pleaser, a golden child” or any other related term, this means YOU.

But only if you’ve simultaneously prided yourself on being “The Party Girl, NOT straight-edge, super fun, the life of the party, being able to [drink, work, f**k] like a man, hang with the boys” too.

In other words, you ‘Work Hard, Play Hard’.

This is an important distinction, because it’s part of what keeps us stuck in our cycle: we separate ourselves from “The Addicts”, because WE are so functional and high performing.

But sorry to rain on your pretense parade, soul homie, cus…this cycle?

This IS our addiction.

The Program

The reason it exists is that it’s designed to keep us highly distracted so that we don’t have to do anything truly brave, courageous, big, and extraordinary.

I’m not saying you haven’t been ‘successful’ by societal terms (in fact, you probably have been - because that is part of the addiction).

But you haven’t been truly 100% AUTHENTIC, SELF-EXPRESSED, and YOUR TRUE SELF in all areas of your life.

This pretense is what creates the control mechanisms that create the pressure that results in the steam we need to blow off through our binges (these binges are also known as ‘energy leaks’ because they cause us to lose power).

But, see, The Program works GREAT, because when we are stuck in that cycle of shit, we are essentially letting ourselves off the hook from stepping into our Truth in the world.

Cus guess what that would take? Bravery, courage, and busting out of comfort zones.

And you know what expanding beyond comfort zones feels like?

UNCOMFORTABLE.

So we choose the warm stink of the shit pile we know, instead of the brisk water that wakes us up with its sting as we finally rinse ourselves clear.

The False Pleasure Molecule (The Puppeteer)

Turns out there is a physiological reason for all this whack-a-doo:

Dopamine - The Molecule of MORE.

What happens with these behaviors is that the reptilian part of our brain associates them with survival:

casual sex = reproduction
sugar binge = avoiding starvation
shopping spree = shelter and clothing
beauty obsession = attracting a mate
alcohol and drugs are particularly seductive because they produce artificially high levels of dopamine, the likes of which we never knew in our caveman days. They cause the system to literally go ‘ape wild’.)

We ignorantly experiment with these behaviors the first time, and - because they are associated with innate human survival drives - they produce dopamine.

Then the body says, “oh, dopamine hit?! Survival! Thank you, yes, I will take even more please!!”

Dopamine ensured our survival in the caveman days by getting produced when it encountered anything ‘life-saving’.

It tells the brain: reward, reward!!

And it then motivates the brain to go back for more.

Thereby “ensuring survival”.

Our survival drive goes into unconscious overdrive.

This means it has gone bananas - haywire - and can no longer be trusted (which is why, for example, ‘intuitive eating’ doesn’t work for most of us).

Also, despite what we think (oh, but I enjoy my poison so much!)…

Dopamine is actually NOT the ‘pleasure molecule’.

It’s the ‘promise of pleasure molecule’.

Do you see the difference?

It promises pleasure but it never actually delivers.

It’s there to MOTIVATE behavior - like a carrot you constantly chase - in order to help you survive.

It’s not there for you to ever actually feel SATISFIED.

It is the puppeteer driving your compulsions.

IT IS NOT YOU.

And it will tell you whatever LIES you need to hear to get you to take The Poison.

The Poison

The poison is whatever your perceived fountain of pleasure is.

I say “perceived” because it always leaves you feeling worse than when you started.

It works in an inverse relationship with your joy:

However ‘high’ you get from it, you experience an equal or greater ‘low’ afterward.

Once you know this - like KNOW it (you only need to look at your experience to see that this is true - and any part of you that says: well, yah, but that one time I didn’t get hungover…THAT IS the program), you can finally make The Choice.

Here’s the thing: your poison seduces you with lies of glamour, excitement, and attraction.

But that seductress will always chew you up and spit you out.

Maybe not ‘this one time’, but mark my words: She always wins.

Until you take your power back.

The Choice

You know that ‘dopamine reward-seeking motivation system’ we just talked about?

Over time, it actually changes your brain chemistry into something you may not want to hear:

Addiction.

With addiction, you have lost control (BUT, it continues to operate by lying to you that you do have control, or will be able to someday regain it, cus if you thought you didn’t actually have control you would really have a problem that you need to face).

Here is the most important thing I will say in this whole article.

The moment you are trying to control something, you are already addicted.

And the only way to control it is to Give It Up. For good.

That is The Truth.

Forever, and ever.

Amen.

But The Program is going to have a field day with this!

It will tell you things like:

but you will be so bored / boring
everyone will think you’re such a square (I mean I am the party girl after all!)
You’ll feel so deprived
But you’re not really addicted, look how successful you are!
You don’t do well with ‘black and white’ thinking
That’s just too restrictive; how can anyone live like that?
You [drink, smoke, eat, shop] just like everyone else you know

You have to recognize all of this ‘speak’ as one thing and one thing only:

Your addiction. Your Program. Your Puppeteer. Your Dopamine.

IT IS NOT YOU.

So are you going to experience cravings when you give it up? YES!!!

Yes, yes, yes!

(Expecting the cravings to magically disappear when your brain is actually addicted to the high of the dopamine rush is complete lunacy.)

But when you can see them in The Light of All This, you have the neutrality of a ‘higher’ perspective when they roll through.

“Ahh, there’s that dopamine molecule at work again. My survival system gone totally AWOL!”
“Man that bottle of champagne looks glamourous. Oh, look there at that pretty label it has on it: ‘LIES!!’”
“Wow, the patriarchy really tried hard to keep me distracted from The Work I came here to do with this pesky little program. Too bad they don’t stand a chance of keeping me down now that I can see it!!”

Now that you know about the sabotaging train-wreck that inevitably awaits you behind that door, You get to choose who’s driving today.

You have objective, blessed, unattached distance between You and the voice of your addiction.

And eventually those monster cravings become little yipping chihuahuas that you easily side step on your way TO EVERYTHING.

They become invitations to lean in, instead of tune out.

They become the very sources of The Power that they use to steal.

And - believe me - coming from this former addict: they always pass.

Always.

And so it is.

The Tips

Now that you’ve made The Choice to be in your power instead of giving it away to The Poison, here are some tips to help you stay free:

Once the choice is made, it’s made forever. Anything that has you feel restricted around this is not You - it’s your addiction. There are tons of things you will never do again (eat snake tongue, roll around in a wasp nest, jump off a cliff). It’s normal to not do things again. This choice is your commitment, despite what the whining voice of The Program will try to tell you.
Because guess what - you are no longer restricted! You are out of that god-forsaken cycle of poop! It’s horrible and miserable. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
You have so much time now for all the things you really love!! And if you don’t know what those are, you will find out! And you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do anymore (this is my favorite thing ever ever ever!!)
If you can’t wrap your mind around the fact that you are addicted (you are, but ok fine), ask yourself this instead: is my relationship with [drinking, sugar, sex, men, shopping] working for me? If not, BREAK UP WITH IT.
If you are comparing yourself to everyone else, remember, they are still taking poison and you’re not. Are you jealous of toxicity? Nope.
Make a list of your non-fuckwithables, and just don’t fuck with them. Ever. In a state of clarity, write out those things that make you feel worse after they make you feel better. Here are mine:
- Alchohol
- Nicotine
- Sour Gummy Candy (ok ok, just sugar in general)
- White Flour
- Nachos
- Chemical Food
Guess what? When I don’t do these things a miracle happens: I never, ever binge!! Which means I never, ever feel guilty, regretful, ashamed, desperate, bewildered, bloated, heavy, or hungover. It’s effing magic. (e.g. I didn’t give up drinking; I mercifully gave up the secret shit-storm that followed it).
Remember, you never have to feel the [guilt, shame, despair, remorse, regret, agony] of your last binge again either. Ever!
Also, honor the binge, cus without it, you would never be given the gift of letting it go (waking up with that last hangover? Worst day of my life? Nope. The best!).
This isn’t a punishment, it’s a goddamn gift of the highest order!! My divine counsel of light literally gave me a standing ovation when I finally made The Choice (I still get goosies just thinking about :).

So here’s your weekly Inner Shaman practice:

Instead of saying “more, please” to your poison, say “more, please” to your power.

Give that shit up.

And, for the love of all that is holy, don’t do it because “you should” (if that’s why you are ‘quitting’, you missed the whole point of this blog and it will be painful, and miserable, and full of deprivation, and it just. won’t. work).

This isn’t another attempt at control…

It’s raw, primal, fierce, unbound, unapologetic POWER. Annnnnd pure, delicious, gluttonous freedom.

(I’m positively drunk on it.)

Now, tell me below:

What are you going to fill all that magical space with?